News Report: New York Islanders To Stock Up On Lube

Long Island, New York---

Team General Manager and President Ian Van Halsema will not confirm the rumours, but large shipments of vaseline, KY Jelly, and other assorted lubricants have been seen stocked up in the Nassau Coliseum.

"The goddamn Senetors? Are you serious???", David Legwand was overheard saying, as he greased up his rear for an extreme plowing.

While no one in the Islanders camp will admit it to the press, inside sources claim that the team has ceased practicing hockey, and is now working on their pillow-biting, submissive stances, and basically doing anything possible to keep the bleeding down to a minimum.

Starting netminder Daviid Aebischer has looked especially worked up lately, sporting bags under his eyes, a desheveled appearence, and the smell of hops and barley. "222 goals....19% power player efficiency...Niklas F***ing Backstrom..." the shellshocked goaltender was overheard mumbling, as his teammates attempted to pull him off a boxcar.

While all signs in the locker room point to panic, team President and GM Ian Van Halsema took a different approach.

"I'm not scared of those thugs!", he claimed, while taking a pull off his flask. "Kaberle couldn't stop a girl scout, and Tlustly's a bum. They have no goaltending and I can't pronounce two of their center's names. They're going down".

The rest of the interview has been ommited due to profanity. The series is slated to begin soon in Ottawa, as the number two seeded Senetors prepare to take on the number 7 seeded Islanders.

For TSN, this is Darren Dreger.

Well considering I was just wiped out by the thrashers in the final 2 games, and I can never seem to beat teams I should, you could be able to upset us! Besides, you have vandemeer!